so i realised that this journal has really turned into a journal for me. i've never been able to comit to writing every day on something, so this is odd. those people out there who have the desperate desire to peek at someones sad journal entries and laugh at her sad little thoughts and events, here is your big chance.

colton isn't an honest person. he's an asshole. we were supposed to go running but he cancled. we were also supposed to hang out before youth group and go to a movie the two previous days, but he canceled those too. normall i wouldn't mind. i realise and respect that people have lives too, but this girl let me know that he asked her out right after he canceled with me.. i dislike this girl on a good day but i shoved my angry little biast, jealous thing that rotts isnside of me away and blamed it on the ass face McFuck head who lied to me. two down, three thousand more to go! sometimes i wonder if i should have just kept my mouth shut and setteled for being semi-happy. isn't that what most adults do? but that would be wrong.

i watched zombieland again! we invited my moms boyfriends nephew (spell check?) over for movies and pizza. he reminds me hugely of my one friend Braden. its rediculous. anyways, we watched Super Troopers, zombieland and Joe Dirt. i loved them all. all of them were cheap and crude and a complete waste of my time, but either way i loved them. zombieland remains my favorite. (btw double tap is actually rule 2 while limber up is rule 17. my bad)

My mom now refers anything that resembled phisical training to "training for the ability to kick ass". sometimes it makes me want to shoot myself, but then i remember that she is just exited about the taekwondo thing and it is totally okay to be enthusiastic about something. maybe i need that. a little enthusiasm would do me some good. if i was actually happy to be alive i wouldn't have half the problems i do. i guess its because when i ended the thing that was my whole world i sort of threw everything about me out the window. good and bad. i pretty much have to rebuild my identity completely. maybe that isn't such a bad thing either.

counsiling tomorrow. yay. not so bad, though because i don't have to go play hockey! but still.. not cool.

on my way home from the barn yester day i picked up some entry forms for the show. i am doing 2'9" huners (second highest) and first level dressage (second highest level... wich is sad.) the only reason im doing dressage is because I GET TO DO MY FREESTYLE!!!!! this is the most exiting thing since seeing Joe at youth group. I got home and found my music and wrote out my test and everything!! if you are interested at all, you should look up "green achers". that is the trot portion of my test. its funny because i ride a quarter horse wich are not usually found in the dressage ring. usually its the big fancy warmbloods and thoroughbreds and spanish horses doing dressage. and usually when fancy-pants horse does a freestyle its done to big dramatic symphony music. well, here i sit with my little quarter horse who looks more like she would rather be chasing a cow then piaffing riding to all these silly western themes. its adorable. needless to say, i am VERY exited.

i had another thought while i was coming home from the barn. i started thinking about why there are no guys who ride other then Nathaniel. then i recalled that most dudes dislike the idea of tights. but that lead to some more thinking about sex equality and the fact that there are rules about what guys and girls can or can not do is really fucked up! it makes me angry, infact! so i thought, well, how do i make this change. no one heres me when i speak, no one cares if they hear me. but people watch TV and are on the internet. what am i good at? well, riding, art, drama. and then it hit me! i should totally direct and produce a short film or whatever promoting sex equality! i would have to make it seriously epic. like, funny and deep at the same time. and i would need alot of help. like, actors and shit. but i think i could do it! i could get a few people from my drama class and youth group and maybe some old friends to act and help out if they want. or maybe im just desperate for something to do? i don't know if anyone reads this or anything. im assuming not, but if you do, by you, i mean yes you Jane Do and Emily cupples and Kady Moffat and Bill smith. YOU are wanted to give me feedback. just post a happy little note on this journal. I want feedback people!!! can i get a little more passion!!?? (lol practice makes perfect! you an call me Miss director/boss lady.)

today was a shit hole again. this is why the title of this journal is all fucked. it doesn't make sence. everytime i feel like im gaining progress, i take giant leaps and bounds backwards. usually i feel worse then i did before the baby step i took forwards. whatever. everything happens for a reason. i just wish i had some friends.

so!

here is to rule #17: Limber up.

always be strong enough to take on the zombies in your life because life is a complete fucking shit hole. but, you can make it better by being a strong piece of nothing. so limber up. its worth the effort.

peace out!
with love,
Taylor